Dear Mr. Dell

The following e:Mail was sent to Michael@Dell.com. This is Michael Dell's personal E:Mail account. As unbelievable as it sounds, he does actually read and act on e:Mails. I received a call from Mr. Dell the next morning. I guess this is one of the reasons Dell has had such success.


Mr. Dell,

First .. I am a loyal Dell customer. I personally own a Dell Laptop, an XPS 8250, SC-600, and an XPS450 that is at least 5 years (Still runs great).
All of my customers also use Dell products to run my telephony software.
There are about 50 servers deployed all over the US and Canada. I have always recommended Dell and will continue to do so.

But ..
Have you ever called the Dell Financial Services Phone Number ? I did today because I received delinquency notices for 3 leases which I paid off over a month ago.

Also .. my pet peeve with DFS is you can not make a payment over the internet. WHAT ? The Worlds largest computer company does not take payments over the internet WTF. You have got to be kidding me.

Here is how the system works.
Hello Welcome to Dell financial services ..
"Please enter your account number followed by the # key."
[I entered my account number followed by the # key]
"Please enter your account number followed by the # key."
[I entered my account number followed by the # key]
"Please enter your account number followed by the # key."
[I entered my account number followed by the # key]
"Please enter your account number followed by the # key."
[I hung up]
So there is obviously a problem with the system as it just kept asking me for my account#. I verified the account number I entered was correctly entered because my phone displays all digits pressed. That is not the issue.
So I called back to try to speak with an agent. That call went something like this Hello Welcome to Dell financial services ..
"Please enter your account number followed by the # key."
[I entered 0#]
Sorry we did not recoginze that option. Please enter your Account Number followed by the # key.
[I entered my account number followed by the # key]
"Please enter your account number followed by the # key."
[I hung up]

You can not 0 out to get an operator. All IVR systems should have the ability to 0 out for an agent. I'll repeat ..All IVR systems should have the ability to 0 out for an agent. What happens to callers if they dont have their account number available ?

Next I dialed the second number and tried again.
This time it took the number after a few menu options.
So I finally get to an agent (I think his name was Abu .. the character from the Simpsons, it sure sounded like him).

And of course the first question he asks me: What is your account number ? Hopefully you were not recording the phone call at that time because I assure you he learned some new english.
This tells me that there is absolutely no reason to enter the account number in the first place. Why dont you just ask us to enter a random 13 digit number, it has the same value as entering the account number.

I find it hard to believe that a multi-billion dollar company such as Dell does not have integration with their Telephony services. There is absolutely no reason that the data can not follow the call. I have been doing that for over 20 years.

The IVR system you have running the DFS is the worst I have ever had the misfortune of having to use. I can understand that you dont want all callers to go to agents. That costs Dell $. The problem is the customer experience is not an enjoyable one and is costing you more $ than you think. Consider the fact that I had to call several times to answer my question. Secondly, due to the fact that I enter my account number then had to speak it back to Abu which took me about a minute due to the language barrier and the fact that the call gets forwarded to India via Voice over IP. Had the data which I entered followed the call, this annoyance could have been avoided and saved both Dell and I valuable time.

If you ever decide that you need a system that works and IS customer friendly let me know. I could build one in about a week that is better than what you currently have. To be honest, I would rather have gotten a busy signal than go through the IVR Jail that resulted from the call.

Regards,

Jim Thornton
Thornton Engineering
508 Wayfarer Drive
Tarpon Springs, FL 34689
(727) 943-9634
jimt@thornton-engineering.com

Multi-Police involved incident

Now I am pissed off. I just wrote this blog and hit the spell checker and lost the entire thing. Support just received a lovely e-mail.

And now something completely different.

Every now and then as most of you are aware, there are incidents involving cyclists and motorists. Usually it is one of the hotheads in the group that will throw gatorade into someones car or spit in the window of a car that drives too close. I am typically the one to stay calm and level headed so noone gets hurt. I dont find it necessary to get into a fight with someone in a 3,000 pound weapon who may be carrying a gun or whatever. The risk and reward are not there. This time was different.

Monday is ride at Howard Park day for me. I enjoy the causeway as you are surrounded by water, you occasionally see dolphins swimming in the warm golf waters (Todays gulf temp is 90), the Snowy Egrets, Great Blue herons, and so on. Usually it is a peaceful setting and ends with a sunset that is awesome. Today was not that day.

Mondays is always intervals day. Whether it's running or biking, Monday is always intervals. The loop out and back to Howard Park is about 3.5 miles. The intervals are defined by the wind direction. If the wind is from the West then that is the hard interval, obviously if it's from the East then that is the hard interval. The hard interval is more like chasing cars. I can top out at nearly 40 MPH if the conditions are right. The off interval is not really off, but more a consistent cadence. So basically both ways are chasing cars.

I was well rested and ready to ride after the long 21 hour car ride from Otisco. My bike was already back from the shop and the chain that had a broken link was replaced and new gears were installed in the back. It rides like new when it is maintained well and I wanted to make sure that everything was dialed in. My TTGR (Time to Get Ready) was an astounding 30 minutes. That is record setting for me. I cranked my iPod so load that Dad could even hear it and was ready to hit the road.

The first two laps felt really good. There was almost no wind and the Gulf waters were like glass. It doesnt happen often, but there was not even a ripple in the waters when I started. After lap 2 I turned around and started my on interval back out to the park. That is where the problems all started.

As I went around the park I was going south towards the South West corner of the beach area. The Beach area is just an oval that is a parking lot. I use this to recover and prepare myself for the way back. At the far south west end of the parking lot there was a car in the middle of the turn. It was parked right in the middle of the road and was not moving. I figured I would just go around it on the edge of the road and that would be the end of it. Wrong.. As I approached the car there was a kid in his mid 20's with a glass of what looked like Ice Tea with a straw sticking out of it. Obviously this moron had been drinking and he thought it would be funny to try to make me fall by getting in my way. The only way around the car was through him. He spread his arms and was yelling at me "Come here", "You cant get around me" and other things. I could not hear real well due to the fact that the iPod was blaring Pink in my ear.

My response was .. well lets just say I responded by expressing my displeasure with extreme prejudice. I told him to get the F out of the way among other things. To which he started screaming back at me to come back. I have no time for drunk morons so I just ignored and continued with the next interval. On the way back, I was sure to look back to see if they were following me and they were nowhere in site until the last 1/4 mile of the route. At that point they were right on my tail. Now it is Cars chasing instead of Chasing cars.

That pisses me off when someone with a 3,000 pound vehicle who has obviously been drinking starts to threaten my life with his car. I got to the end of the park and turned around to go back and do another lap. The driver of the car stops the car and starts getting out. So I circled back and exchanged words with him about how his driving was not appropriate for a park and once again (Copy/Paste) I responded by expressing my displeasure with extreme prejudice. I told the driver I was not going to get into a fist fight with a couple of drunks and to get lost.

All of the sudden the second moron (the one with the drink in his hands) gets out of the car and throws a warm water bottle all over my face and in my eyes and sunglasses. I was in a state of shock and then he smacked me over the head with his forearm. That was the cheapest shot I have ever witnessed. I was unable to see due to a faceful of water and I was still clipped into my Bike. It didnt hurt at all since he hit me on the Helmet but it just took me off guard. I was still clipped in and had to maintain my balance so I did not fall off the bike. I immediately clipped out and threw my bike and glasses into the lawn nearby. I was not happy.

I gathered myself and was prepared to defend myself at the very least when I noticed a police officer about a block away coming right towards us. If ever there was good timing, this was it. I waved the officer down and he was there within about 2 seconds. I was still exchanging words with the two jackasses when the officer put his flashers on. The police officer witnessed the entire incident, everything from the water in the face to getting hit in the head.

Now the fun starts. Jackass # 1 (Guy with Drink) JA1 starts telling the police officer that I had been harassing them and kicking their car. He said I was riding next to their car and kicking it the whole way back from Howard Park. I just kept my mouth shut and let this idiot talk. He starts in on the officer to which the officer takes none of. After frisking him and finding a joint in his cigatette pack he was handcuffed and on his way back to the police car he kept saying to his friend JA2 "You are my witness". To which JA2 replied "You need to shut the F up", "Shut up". The police officer then started asking JA1 what happened and the idiot denied ever hitting me or throwing water in my face. The officer simply said "I watched you throw water at him then slug him in the head". Of course JA1 denied ever touching me or any of the above.

As we are all sitting there another cyclist comes by and starts talking with Police Officer #1. He said that the two were harassing him and others out at the park as well. He was about mid 60's and started laying into the two. At that point the Police thanked him and sent him on his way.

Police officer #1 would not let me talk to JA1 as he figured no good would come out of it. I was able to cut the driver a new a-hole and (Copy/Paste) I responded by expressing my displeasure with extreme prejudice. The driver was not a complete jackass like JA1 and appeared to be sincere in his apologies. Police Officer #2 told him to shut up unless he is asked to speak as I continued to ream him.

He was put into the police car and then another officer responded to the scene. Officer # 2 was the bad cop. He got out of his car and immediately takes a huge chunk of chewing tobacco and stuffs it into his bottom lip in the front. He was a thick bodied young cop who looked like he took crap from noone. After a minute or two of the two officers conversing he started to search the car.

Officer #1 told JA2 he better let him know if there is anything in the vehicle he should know about and was sure to let him know that if they did find something that he did not disclose he would get no breaks. JA2 denied anything being in the car. Of course the officer found rolling papers and resin in the car so they were not facing paraphenalia charges. It gets better.

Now Police officer #3 arrives. He is driving a Ford Explorer and looks like he is going to take the criminals with him. Officer #2 motions me to the back of the car he was searching and asked my side of the story. I told him the whole deal and mentioned that JA1 was drinking the Tea colored drink in a glass with a straw in it. I almost saw a smile come over his face as I mentioned that so I knew he had found that drink.

After telling my side of the story, the police officer goes and started putting all of the alcoholic beverages on top of the car. The last two were the drinks I described Glasses of Tea Colored drinks with a straw in it. That puts the two morons drinking alcohol in a state park. The charges continue..

Both of them were of course sited for open container, posession of paraphenalia, disorderly conduct. The driver was cited for DUI. So next the officers get a reply back from dispatch that the driver of the vehicle was driving with a suspended license. I love this part. In the State of Florida if you do not pay child support your license gets suspended. This was exactly the case of the driver. So now he is driving with a suspended license, DUI, Open Container, Possession of drug paraphenalia, disorderly conduct. Not to mention assault and battery as witnessed by the police officer.

Police officer #2 now starts frisking the driver who was still not in handcuffs. He was not really the problem or at least his total attitude changed when he realized he was in deep shit. He was apologizing to me and was not giving the police officers any problems. He was then cuffed and put into the third police car.

So I am literally a few blocks from my house so all of my friends and neighbors who frequent Howard Park seem to be passing by. My friend Eric and Dawn were both there. Eric was running back from Howard Park and Dawn was in her car. They stopped by to make sure I was OK an stayed with me until the melee was over.

Officer #1 came over to me and just wanted to make sure that I was OK and not hurt. He took my information and asked me if I wanted to press charges. I told him that I'm was not sure. That's when Police Officer #2 came over. I asked a bunch of questions of which they could not answer all of them. They can not offer legal advice but it was clear they wanted me to press charges. I agreed and the officers had the two morons carted away to county lockup. They were going there whether or not I press charges with the slew of charges against them.

The tow truck then arrived and the vehicle was impounded and towed away.

Come to find out JA1 lives about a block from me.

I thanked the two remaining officers and went back to doing laps.

This afternoon the State Attorneys office called me to see if I was OK. She said I would be asked to make a victims impact statement if it goes to trial. I would be delighted to do so.

On any given Tuesday, Thursday or Saturday

As I explained in my first blog, EM takes 99% of the sprints. He can just accelerate faster than the rest of us due to his physique. He weighs about 140 soaking wet so he has a definite advantage over us 170+ riders. The other fact is that he is a former category 2 rider. For those of you who dont know categories start at Category 5 (Slower) and go up to Category 1 (Faster). So to set the stage, I would be a category 5 rider because I have never raced. In order to move up in the categories, you must race a certain number of races and place top 5 or so.

Anyways .. two weeks ago EM and I broke away from the pack and ended up about 200 - 300 yards ahead when it came time to sprint. I made the move away from the other riders, and he grabbed onto my wheel until we were near the sprint finish. Since I did all the work to get us to the finish line, I was exhausted but still managed to push him right up until the line. He beat me by about a half a wheel. In his usual cocky attitude he raised his arms in victory and simply said "Never" to me. That pissed me off. I did all the work and he drafted off me for about the last 2 miles. My reply to him was "Never say Never". He should be able to beat me he had a free ride all the way to the end. Every time he wins, I will say "Nice Job" or something positive because I know he had to work to get past me. I thought to myself "That prick, I do all the work and he comes around me in the last 10 yards and considers himself the winner". He is the worst winner you will ever meet. Fortunately for me he is also the worst loser you will ever meet.

Thursdays ride was a little different. There were 4 of us and we did a strong pace on the way out. In the last mile, the acceleration to the finish line was at full throttle. EM and DC were ahead of me by 10 yards or so with 1/2 mile to go. EM came around DC and thought that he was just going to walk away with the sprint. In his usual fashion, he raises his arms like he just won a stage on the tour. He also likes to point to the finish line as he passes it just to annoy everyone. His mistake was that he thought all he had to do was beat DC. He is so cocky that he just stopped to make sure we were watching him rub it in. That's when I came by him and took the win. He didn't see me until I had passed him, and there was nothing he could do. To show him I was a good winner like him, I did the no-handed one-fingered Peace sign as I blew by him.


The post sprint verbal exchange:
His first comment happened within the first second of me winning the sprint.
EM: "That was a gift I let you win"
JT: "F You .. I kicked your ass you never LET anyone win. I told you never say never"
EM: "Never Again"
JT: "So I'll be kicking your ass again in about 2 weeks ? Last time you said never was 2 weeks ago. Never is not really working out for you, you may want to try a new word".

Lets just say he did try a few new words.

I can be a bad winner with the best of them.

E:Mail Scam reply

I received a Scam:Mail today and decided to reply. The actual Scam:Mail is below my reply.
 
A-hole,
  This is the most ignorant scam:mail I have ever seen. A few suggestions, first learn how to spell, there are at least 13 words that have incorrect spelling. Have you ever heard of a spell-checker ?PESIONAL, ATTONEY, LIVE should be LIVES,APRAIL should be APRIL, Proparty should be Property, Deceaseed should be Deceased, Anable should be Enable,Solisitor should be Solicitor, Servisable should be Servicable, Familly should be Family, Enquirries should be Inquiries (You were not even close), Repartrating should be Repatriating,Unservisable should be Unservicable, Freez should be Freeze. The grammer checker also kicked out many run-on, fragmented sentences and other grammer errors, but I won't even get into that. Your reading level must be somewere below the Retarded range. Can you even walk erect yet ?

Secondly, why is everthing in upper case. Proper legal documentation is not all upper so obviously you are just an a-hole, not a barrister as you claim. The legalease that you try unsuccessfully to write the message in is possibly the worst bastardization of the legal language I have ever seen. Would you ever expect to see a legal document with the words "Huge Deposits". Isn't that a judgement value. For Bill Gates, 19.6 million is a bad week at work, for most people, 1 million is a huge deposit. Legal documents tend to be factual and explicit, not inaccurate and judgemental documents.

Come on 19.6 Million dollars .. Please .. Where did you get that number from ? If my extended relative (Harrison Thornton) did die in Nigeria, wouldn't the value be in Naira which is the unit of money in Nigeria ? If you are going for the big numbers why didn't you leave it as 257,316,176.83 Nairas ? Sounds better than just 19.6 million dollars. So is that what he has in Securities and you did the reverse conversion ?

Next the facts: There us no such place as Ojabugwe not in Nigeria, not in Africa, not on this planet. What a dumb-ass to try a non-existant location. I guess you must think we are all just as ignorant as you are. Do you think that people are just going to send you personal information because they got a message in their E:Mail ? I get hundreds of E:Mails daily 99% never make it past my Junk-Mail filter. Do you really think that after all the internet scams that are going around that this piece of feces document that looks like a Pre-Kindergarten mongoloid wrote is going to generate you some money ? Are you sure that you want to screw around with Federal law on the off chance that there is actually someone even more dense than you ? 
 
April has 30 days so April (or Aprail as you spell it) 31st is a non-existent date. It never happened because April 31st never happened much less in the year 2001. By now I'm guessing that your response is something intelligent like well it was a leap year so April has the extra day. Again a sign of your blaring ignorance.

It is amusing that you are looking for a 60/40 split. First of all congratulations on doing the difficult math with the 60/40 split. Due to the rest of the letter, I expected something like 60/50 or something like that where it was a more even split. You must have had help doing the percentages. Why would you get 60% and me only 40%. Isn't that a little greedy or are you such a good negotiator that you start there and just hope for a 50/50 split after the negotiations. It is a little confusing to me that the Barrister gets 60% ? Isn't the going rate for that 30% ? You need to do a little more homework on the split.

You say you "Have all the necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim ..." but did you write the legal documents ? If they are anything like this legal turd, it would not stand up in any court in any country. Maybe it would hold up on the planet that Ojabugwe is on.

Also noted in the document is that you have tried for 3 years to locate next of Kin. I know if I had 257,316,176.83 Nairas that you would have to have crowd control to handle all of the people who either have my same last name or make claims against the Nairas.

The Embassy issue: Why would you go to an Embassy to find next of kin relatives ? Although I am not a Barrister as you claim you are, there are possibly 10 billion better reference points than an Embassy to get information on relatives. You obviously have a computer. why not try Google\Yahoo\Lycos\... ? You found my name and I bet it was less than 2 seconds to return the information to you. Did you actually travel to Washington DC and physically go to the Nigerian Embassy ? Yes that is where the Nigerian embassy is.

To sum it up:Some easy logic for you .. I'll speak slowly for you so you understand. Since there is no such place as Ojabugwe, no April 31st, and this is not a legal document .. are you still with me ? In all likelyhood there was no car crash. Do you see where I'm going with this .. Ok .. start over and repeat until you catch on.

Now.. since there was no car crash.... there is no 257,316,176.83 Nairas.

My guess is that you will be caught soon due to your complete incompetence and total stupidity. Just one suggestion : When you do get your 60% (154,389,706.10 Nairas) Invest in either soap on a rope or knee pads.
 
Hugs and Kisses..

 
----Original Message Follows----From: "rev_barr_paul@katamail.com" <rev_barr_paul@katamail.com>To: AMANDAKT72@AOL.COMSubject: GET BACK TO MEDate: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 14:12:28 +0000
REPLY TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS:  rev_barr_paul@katamail.com
DEAR SIR,
I AM BARRISTER PAUL LARRY, A SOLISITOR AT LAWAND THE PESIONAL  ATTONEY TO MR. HARISSON   THORNTON, ANATIONAL OF YOUR COUNTRY WHO USE TO WORK WITH(SPDC), SHELL PETROLIUM DEVELOPEMENT COMPANY AS THERE FINANCIAL CONTROLLER.
HEREIN SHALL BE REFERRED TO AS MY CLIENT ON THE 31STOF APRAIL 2001.MY CLIENT , HIS WIFE AND THEIR TWOCHILDREN WERE INVOLVED IN A CAR ACCIDENT ALONGOJABUGWE  EXPRESS ROAD , WARRI DELTA  STATE, NIGERIA.ALL OCCUPANTS OF THE VEHICLE  LOST THERE LIVE .SINCE THEN I HAVE MADE SEVERAL ENQUIRRIES TO YOUR EMBASSY TO LOCATE ANY OF MYCLIENT'S EXTENDED RELATIVES, THIS HASALSO PROVED UNSUCCESSFUL.AFTER THIS SEVERALUNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS, I DECIDED TO TRACE HIS LASTNAME OVER THE INTERNET TO LOCATE ANY MEMBER OF HISFAMILLY HENCE I CONTACTED YOU.
I HAVE CONTACTED YOU TO ASSIST IN REPARTRATING THEMONEY AND PROPARTY LEFT BEHIND BY MY CLIENT BEFORETHEY GET CONFISICATED OR DECLARED UNSERVISABLE BY THESECURITY FINANCE COMPANY WHERE THIS HUGE DEPOSITS WERE LODGED PARTICULARLY,THE SECURITY FINANCE COMPANY WHERE THE DECEASEED HAD AN ACCOUNT VALUED AT19.6MILLION DOLLARSHAS ISSUED ME A NOTICE TO PROVIDETHE NEXT OF KIN OR HAVE THE ACCOUNT FREEZ SINCE I HAVEBEEN UNSUCCESFUL IN LOCATING THE RELATIVES FOR 3 YEARSNOW,I SEEK YOUR CONSENT TO PRESENT YOU AS THE NEXT OFKIN OF THE DECEASED SINCE YOUR LAST NAME WILL BE ADDED  TO THE FIRST NAME SOTHAT THE PROCEED OF THIS ACCOUNT VALUED AT 19.6MILLION DOLLARS CAN BE PAID TOYOU AND THEN YOU AND I CAN SHARE THE MONEY 60% TO ME AND 40% TO YOU.
I HAVE ALL THE NECESSARY LEGAL DOCUMENTS THAT CAN BEUSE TO BACK UP ANY CLAIM WE MAY MAKE. ALL I REQUIREDIS YOUR HONEST COOPERATION  TO ANABLE US SEE THISTRANSACTION THROUGH. I GUARANTEE YOU THAT THIS WILL BEEXECUTED UNDER A LEGITIMATE ARRANGEMENT THAT WILLPROTECT YOU AND I FROM ANY BREACH OF THE LAW.
PLEASE CONTACT ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE THROUGH THE ABOVE E-MAIL ADDRESSENCLOSING YOUR TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBER TOO FOR FURTHER TRANSACTION.
BEST REGARDBRR. PAUL LARRY.
________________________________________________________________________Cerchi 
 

How it works (Rated PG-13)

Leave it to the Florida school system. With just a week of school left, the fifth grade class was given the book How It Works. If you can't figure it out .. the boys get one book, the girls get a different book... Still can't figure it out just e:Mail me and I'll send you your very own copy. Don't you think they would do this in the beginning of the year so they can absorb the information slowly and maybe have a second class ? No .. lets do it at the end of the year then dish the kids back to the parents for summer break so they have the summer to figure out for themselves "How it works".

Unfortunately for my kids, I don't mind talking about the birds and the flies (inside joke). At first they thought they would embarass me by asking where babies come from. Middle boy thought he was being smart by asking me. That happened just once. Being an engineer (computer geek), I have a whiteboard in my office area, and am not afraid to use it. Although my drawing skills are weak, they got the idea. You can just hear their minds clicking and they put it together .. You ... and Mom ... NO WAY... Their most common response is "THAT IS DISGUSTING" followed by them putting their hands over their ears and yelling "I CAN'T HEAR YOU .. I CAN'T HEAR YOU .. LA LA LA LA ..." while running out of the room.

The reason I am writing this is the fact that Bubba The Love Sponge, Howard Stern, and so many other celebrity radio shock jocks have either been kicked off the air all together or they have had to tame their material. A typical audience for Bubba or Howard is Male 21 - 100 so they are not particularly sensative to the on-air language. These shock jocks are controlled by their parent company who in turn is controlled by the FCC/Government. The FCC decides what is allowed on air and if they cross the line how much of a fine to levy. Which by the way in Howards case looks like millions of dollars.

Now.. I'm no anti-government advocate or anything of that nature (but would not mind abolishing the IRS) but when you think of the irony of the same government giving a 5th grader the following required reading you have to take a second look.

And I quote:
"The testes are housed outside of the main part of the male's body, in a sac called the scrotum. This location is important because in order for the sperm to develop properly, they must be kept at a slightly lower temperature (95 to 97 degrees Fahrenheit, 35 to 36 degrees Celsius) than normal body temperature (98.6 F, 37 C)."

Put yourself in a fifth graders shoes and read it again. A few things come to mind. First the "This location is important". Location.. Location.. Location .. What if the location is incorrect ? What location should they be in ? Is there a wrong location ? Is scroti plural for scrotum ?

Secondly : "they must be kept in a slightly lower temperature". What's wrong with the temperature they are currently stored at ? Is there some sort of cooling method that must be applied before they will work properly ? Are there fans or Air Conditioners that will get it to exactly 95 - 97 degrees (35 to 36 Celsius seems way too cold ..) ? What if they are at 94 degrees ? Is that what Dad means when he says "I have to go take a cold shower" ?

Then of course the Penis word comes out. No 5th grader can say that word with a straight face. Very few adults can. I'm smiling right now just thinking about Coach having to use that word for the first time in his lecture. The roomful of boys trying not to make eye contact with their buddies so they don't just burst out laughing. So lets take a look at the Governments definition .. and again I quote: "The penis is made of soft, spongy tissue". What are we talking about here a Nerf hotdog ? Last time I checked the terms "soft" and "sponge" and "tissue" didn't really come to mind.

As you may well imagine, no hands are raised during this lecture. The possibility of embarassment of asking a question way outweighs the need for education on a subject that may actually impact them for the rest of their lives. Then the bell rings and they are headed for home with their minds racing about their frozen nerf hotdog.

To get back to the point .. Howard and Bubba may use the terms Penis, Scrotum and whatever but if you don't know what they mean what harm are they doing ? If you do know what they mean and are offended, turn the channel. The kids in school are not able to "turn the channel" until the bell rings and the mis-education is complete.

Good Times ...

First Post

Of course the first thing that comes to mind is my training ride last night. The goal of every ride is two-fold. First drop any rider who appears weaker, is new to the ride or is just plain having a bad day. By definition it is Darwinism. If you are weak or old you will be eliminated. Such is our training ride.

The second goal is of course to make the riders who do hang on .. well there is no better way to say it .. to hurl (Puke, Vomit, Barf, Yack, Ralph and so on). This is typically accomplished at the end of the ride where there is a sprint. Each ride has at least 2 sprints one on the way out and one on the way back. Although it is rare to get a hurler on the way out, it does happen. This is especially uncomfortable for the hurlee due to the fact he has to now ride back with that not so fresh feeling.

To give a little background .. There is one individual who will generally win the sprint every time .. initials EM. He is sure to let you know he won by some type arm waving or unnecessary celebration. I do have to hand it to him though .. he does win 99% of the time. He has a "gift" of pushing his body beyond where it really belongs. It is my responsiblity and the responsibility of the stronger riders to make sure he feels the pain and earns the win. Last night was no exception. JB was hammering at 30+ mph going out to Howard Park and it was getting near the sprint finish. JB was pulling us out and was beginning to tire so I accelerated past him and was followed by EM. With the hard tail wind we had to be going around 34-35 I could not look at my Speedometer due to the fact I was on the edge of being a hurlee myself. As we approached the finish line (speed limit sign), as usual EM came around me and was first to cross. I'm sort of used to coming in second by now.

I could tell that he was hurting due to the fact there was no celebration or #1 signs or Victory signs. Immediately after the finish line, I could hear him coughing up a lung and was anticipating a "good job" or "maybe next time" from him. Instead I got a better response.. the repeated hurl. There are single hurls where your gatorade just comes up a bit too far and there are repeated hurls where your breakfast from last Wednesday comes up. This was the latter.

Although I did not "win" the sprint, I felt like a winner knowing that at least he had to try so hard to get past me that his body was rejecting his effort by the only means possible. Can you imagine being able to pedal a bike so far as to have it effect your internal organs .. so far that muscles in your stomach start to convulse in an attempt to stop you from continuing to exert the force required to "win". It's not unlike your hand moving itself away from a flame. Obviously he has trained his body to ignore it's subtle signals and go beyond its limits. Good Times..

And here is my favorite part .. the winner gets the same thing as the rest of the group .. nada